Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Thinking Interrupted Thoughts

I used all my fingers and one toe (the pinky toe which turns sideways, much to my chagrin) to count the number of children in my house today. And yet, I managed a creative dinner (breakfast burritos) and kept everyone alive all day long. I had some thoughts in my head at some point today--I believe I was going to complain about my utter fatigue and about the depression that sometimes lurks in the shadows until I poke it with a stick--but that all seems a foggy dream now.

Sometimes, I'm here all day, routinely switching laundry from basket to washer to dryer to basket to folded on the back of the chair back to basket, changing diapers, fetching snacks, dragging the boys through their lessons (lately, the War of 1812 and the Monroe Doctrine), answering the phone (I need to get a cordless phone--what is this, 1974? I have to run into the kitchen to catch the phone before the fourth ring, which is clearly archaic) . . . and I feel so disconnected with what is happening in my household because my brain is churning and then--STOP--interrupted. Over and over and over again until I am positively strung out from the effort of thinking a coherent thought from beginning to end.

That has to be the worst part of motherhood--the elimination of meaningful thought. I used to have thoughts, ideas, actual beginnings, middles and ends to my daydreams. Or maybe it only seems that way. The constant interruptions drive me berserk. I did not know that becoming a mother would mean I would never have an uninterrupted thought again.

Except for short thoughts, thoughts like, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" and "HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE COOKIES?" and "LET'S HAVE PIZZA FOR DINNER."

* * *
Blogger will not let me comment on any of my favorite reads . . . which I assume (giving you the benefit of the doubt!) is what is also happening on my blog. If you have a comment, please feel free to email me at Melodeee (at) gmail (dot) com.

17 Comments:

Blogger jc_people said...

Oh, girl, I hear ya. I love (no, really) that I have to wait for my son AND my husband to go to sleep to have a moment to myself. Constant interruptions induce psychosis.

11:54 PM  
Blogger oshee said...

Maybe it is just that motherhood can induce psychosis.
Tonight my husband asked me what he could do to make my stresses better. How he could fix my mood in other words. I told him I didn't need him to do anything. I just needed him to encourage me and tell me I'm doing ok. This has been a tough thing to teach him, eleven years now and I still am explaining it.

Mel..you are doing ok. You are doing more than ok...you are holding the world around all of those children together. I am proud of you. It is the hardest thing imaginable, but you are surviving and I bet those kids are pretty happy. And hopefully finally healthy. It is so kind that you open your home to other's children, whatever the reason for it. Good luck with the future craziness that is hopefully waiting until sunrise.

1:22 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Yep -- I completely get that, and I admire your dedication to your children's education. Every morning when I drop my babies off at school, I think of the sports writer who switched places with his wife and was a SAHD for 6 months. One of the things he realized was: "If I love my children so much, why does it make me so happy when they get out of the car at school in the morning?" That's me-- because then I get to be me for a few brief hours, and at least do the laundry tango lost in my own thoughts.

4:48 AM  
Blogger Jack-on-the-Lake said...

I am so...what was I thinking again? Oh yeah, ...with you :)

5:52 AM  
Blogger Mom2fur said...

I have told people that the gray in my hair (hidden thanks to L'Oreal, LOL!) comes from the gray matter leaking out of my brain. It started leaking with my first (of 4) kids.
I was going to suggest getting yourself a journal to write in, but your blog is like a journal, isn't it? Don't worry, meaningful thought hasn't really been eliminated--it's just on the back burner for a while. Someday the kids will be old enough (like mine, who range from 15-23) to do for themselves and you'll have time on your hands to learn French or Philosophy or something.

6:29 AM  
Blogger jenny said...

oh, Ida know...get me the hell outta here is a pretty meaningful thought when I have it.

very day.

6:34 AM  
Blogger jenny said...

every day.

not very day. ergh.

6:34 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

LOL!!! I totally hear you on this one. Sometimes in the car I put up my hand and say "I'm all done talking or answering questions until we get home. I just need to think." Sometimes, it even works!! LOL!

6:38 AM  
Anonymous grace said...

LOL so I take it you haven't read Misquoting Jesus yet?

6:58 AM  
Blogger Traci said...

My 4 yr old has recently decided that the quiet game is his favorite game to play when we are in the car. He can actually go for a good 5-10 minutes. Oh how I love those few minutes of silence. Let's just hope he doesn't switch back to I-Spy anytime soon. You can only spy the sky and treetops (as that's about all he can see out the window) so many times before it gets really old.

7:53 AM  
Blogger Anvilcloud said...

Pizza for supper is such an excellent thought though. Wow! Look at the small difference between those two words. Never noticed that before.

7:57 AM  
Anonymous Stacy said...

You are just too funny! I read somewhere (just exactly where is something that has been driven from my own brain) that motherhood forces women to utter the most inconceivable things, like....Who flushed the fire truck down the toilet? or Why is the dog wearing my pantyhose?

10:13 AM  
Blogger aggiejenn said...

It's like you're in my head. :-) And I only have ONE child at home. You're doing a great job.

12:18 PM  
Blogger Jan said...

I'm copying this post word for word and putting it straight into my journal as if I wrote it myself. I'm impressed you've got enough brain cells left to explain this feeling so well. My brain is crushed into so many pieces I can't quite pull them all back together to write coherently!

p.s. looks like blogger is working again, but if it goes wonky again I've found comments will work if you disable word verification for a time.

12:50 PM  
Blogger Expat Traveler said...

Yeah I guess it was stuck all night... I think you need a vacation some time soon! And by the way thanks for stopping by... How do you manage to have time? I don't have any kids so the internet is my time to pay attention to all of mine... (hehe zero)...

1:34 PM  
Blogger Shalee said...

I want to get to the point where I can pee without having an interruption, including but not limited to, bathroom door being opened, knocking... over and over again, questions about something I cannot see (since door is closed and locked), pushing things under door so that I can see aforementioned item to answer aforementioned question.

Oh, and just for the record, going to the bathroom with no lights on will not give you the solitude you seek. The buggers have a sensor or something to tell them that they need to ask mom something... NOW!

8:44 AM  
Blogger Feeble Knees said...

I too, have a pinky toe that turns sideways. Will wonders never cease?

Oh this so hits me where I live this week. To maintain sanity I think I must give up trying to -

what? what was I going to say? wait..

umm... ah

right. never mind!

2:26 PM  

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