Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Field Training

I have a plan to combat terrorism. First, the training. Here is a report of a typical day of field training.

FIELD TRAINING REPORT: DAY ONE
Combatants involved:

1) 3-month old baby, slightly crabby;
2) 2 and a half year old girl, extremely crabby;
3) 2 and a half year old boy, full of energy;
4) 11-year old twin boys.

Trainee must be sleep-deprived, functioning on no more than 6 hours of sleep. Wake trainee at 5:20 a.m. Training walk begins at 5:30 a.m. and ends at 6:35 a.m. Include hills at the end for endurance. External temperatures hover around 25 degrees fahrenheit.

At approximately 9:00 a.m., training exercise begins.

Twin boys sit at table, complain over irregular verbs, puzzle over present and past participles. Boys make continuous noise. Chants and pencil-stabbing and hollering are noted. Boys well-suited to generating chaos for training exercise.

Simultaneously, television is tuned to Sesame Street.

Trainee sits on floor with crabby baby, two-year olds prancing nearby. All at once, two-year olds shout, scream, stomp and fight over the same toy. On cue, baby commences crying, scrunching up tiny face in outrage, as directed.

Telephone rings. Trainee rushes to telephone, but in transit, kicks potty-chair located in the family room. Unemptied pot sloshes and urine drips on floor. Trainee grabs towel from folded laundry on couch, sops up spill and carries pot to bathroom. Upon arrival in bathroom, trainee discovers unflushed waste in bowl. Flushes, notes rising water level and plunges toilet while baby screams.

All indicators record high levels of stress. Trainee clenching jaw and perspiring. Baby maintains high level of intensity while trainee returns pot to potty chair, changes diaper, negotiates with two-year olds, instructs twins to return to task, and warms bottle for baby. Training exercise continues until 5:30 p.m.

This training exercise should be repeated nationwide until Trainees appear to decompensate or beg to quit. Do not push them beyond their endurance; however, maintain high level of sleep deprivation and lack of privacy at all times. Last Trainee standing will receive the Golden Tiara Pin.

9 Comments:

Blogger Judy said...

Really, Mel, if you can successfully negotiate two toddlers to share one toy, Condolessa Rice could use you right about now in the middle east.

I can't even begin to tell you how many times a day I wonder what it is I am supposed to do with what I learned being a mother who had three kids in as many years.

Now that I have time to think, I wonder, what was I thinking?

Then...out of the shadows comes a voice that says...honey, you weren't thinking!

4:55 AM  
Blogger Toni said...

LOL! Been there!! Hi Mel! Stopped by to say HI!

7:00 AM  
Blogger ...just-rambling... said...

I am SO glad I only had one child!!!

8:09 AM  
Blogger Suzanne said...

And I am planning on having another baby!! Oh no. Tell me what I am in for before I decide against it. LOL

9:57 AM  
Blogger Brandie said...

Good luck with the training exercise! If anyone can survive this and win the Golden Tiara pin, it is you!!=)

1:25 PM  
Blogger ilovecheese said...

You are the undisputed winner of the Golden Tiara..
Maybe next level of boot camp training could include a doggie too..
especially one with a weak bladder and a cute face who begs to go for walk every couple of hours and you just can't resist those brown eyes..
Yes my doggie has now complete control. Resistance is of no use..

1:52 PM  
Blogger ilovecheese said...

You are the undisputed winner of the Golden Tiara..
Maybe next level of boot camp training could include a doggie too..
especially one with a weak bladder and a cute face who begs to go for walk every couple of hours and you just can't resist those brown eyes..
Yes my doggie has now complete control. Resistance is of no use..

1:52 PM  
Blogger Tina said...

Good for you, starting back to exercising! I need to do that....

8:18 AM  
Blogger QQ said...

I had to stop reading this entry about halfway through....it was giving me an anxiety attack!

7:12 PM  

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