Thursday, March 02, 2006

Open Letter to Swiffer

Dear Swiffer:

I want to love you, Swiffer. I do. I like your convenience. I like your fresh, fake scent. I like the disposable nature of your cleaning pads.

But Swiffer, we do not see eye to eye. Why, you ask? Well, because, Swiffer, you are too short.

I'm taller than the average American woman, true. I stand five feet, seven inches tall, while the average American woman is only five feet, four inches tall. When I use you, Swiffer, I must bend at an awkward angle, an angle that screams, "CALL THE CHIROPRACTOR!" I don't have the heart to tell my lower back that I don't have a chiropractor.

What I need is a longer Swiffer, a sturdier Swiffer, a Swiffer who can rise to the occasion. Please. I want to love you! I want to devote myself to you! But you make it difficult.

So, please, grow up a little. Grow a spine. Grow taller. Get some hair on your chest. (Oh, wait, I'm drifting off topic now.) I'm just saying that if you want me to cherish you, you have to do your part.

(I won't even mention how sexist it is that Swiffer is completely aimed at a woman consumer. An average American man at five feet, nine inches tall would cry out from back pain like a baby girl if he attempted to vigorously scrub the kitchen floor with your woefully inadequate too-short handle.)

Please, please answer my pleas. My back begs you. Don't make me go back to an old-fashioned mop.

Love and kissesSincerely,


Blogger HomeJewel said...

You have sold me on never buying a Swiffer.

12:10 AM  
Blogger kpjara said...

At 5'11", I finally had to just get on my hands and knees and use the swiffer 'pads' to do this...

I do use it occasionally to dust my ceiling of the ceiling fan "sludge".

5:27 AM  
Blogger methatiam said...

I'm 6'5" - EVERYTHING is too small - you get used to it, and in time, you end up stooped over anyway.

6:28 AM  
Blogger Goslyn said...

Hate to break it to you, but I'm 5'4"- well, just shy of that by about 1/2" - and the swiffer is too short for me, too.

So it's not just you Amazons out there.

6:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I totally and completely agree with you. Me and my Swifter aren't talking either. Come one we can't even see eye to eye. I have to enlist one of my kids- it builds character. At least I think so. Lisa Marie

7:40 AM  
Blogger Sandy said...

At six feet, three and a half inches, all I can say is, "AMEN!" And unfortunately I can't get the dogs to do it for me.

7:44 AM  
Blogger Rachelle said...

Luckily I am short. But that is the perfect reason for my dh (6'8") to never have to use it.

9:03 AM  
Blogger tab said...

YOu need to mail this letter to the Swiffer company. Just fyi...I'm 5'2" and the bathroom cleaner thingie by the bald-headed guy (mind going blank on the company name)....well it's just fine and dandy for cleaning the tub/shower, but it is entirely WAY TOO SHORT for cleaning the floors.

10:06 AM  
Blogger The Dung Beetle said...

I echo your prayer. At 6'1", using my Swiffer usually results in a torrent of obscenities and a Thing being launched across the room with great force.

10:28 AM  
Blogger jennifer starfall said...

i'm 5'4" and it's too short for me, too.

i think they designed it to keep us stooped and submissive. :)

10:45 AM  
Blogger EmmaSometimes said...

5 ft 10½ here....


11:17 AM  
Blogger oshee said...

Have you considered printing out all the comments to send with the letter to the swifter company? I at 5'10" also am unable to effectively use the swifter mop. My house mostly all tiled and I have bought many things trying to make the clean up quicker and easier.

11:27 AM  
Blogger Jan said...

Not only is it too short, it doesn't allow for any downward push (I'm thinking the wet swiffer mopper thingy). If I push hard enough to clean anything that has dried, it gets all curvy on me and threatens to snap in two. I'm with you, I WANT to love the swiffer, but I despise it instead.

12:15 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

I'm short, and it's ok for me to sweep with. But can someone please explain how they make the wet pads stay on the darn thing while applying any amount of force? The only way I've found is to rubber band them on.

1:01 PM  
Blogger Jack-on-the-Lake said...

The "swiffer company" is actually Procter and Gamble who also own Luvs and Pampers, gillette, Oil of Olay, Clairol and thousands of other brands. But funny thing is I used to get paid to test swiffer for their consumer village and NOT ONCE did it every occur to me that it was too short - until tonight when I used it in my kitchen. You are so right! Funny.

6:14 PM  
Blogger red fish said...

I emailed a link to this post to Proctor and Gamble just for fun. I'll let you know if I hear back.

6:43 PM  
Anonymous Alissa said...

i'm 5'4" and it still hurts my back. of course, generally all housework least, that's my excuse.

7:35 PM  
Blogger Krisco said...

I *knew* there was a reason I liked you!

Plus I am even taller....5'9''. And 1/4.

So no Swiffer for me either, apparently.

10:08 PM  
Blogger Paige said...

I agree & I'm 5'6". it is just a bit short for me. Ya know with the exception of shovels, they are all too short.

5:01 AM  
Blogger weorwe said...

I dislike the Swiffer but for entirely different reasons. The disposableness is a major negative for me. No old-fashioned mop here, though; I have one of those sponge mops where there's a spring-loaded thingy by which you can squeeze most of the water out before using it. It happens to be long enough for me. Then again I'm one of those 5'4" types.

Then again, don;t ask me when the last time I actually mopped a floor was.

5:11 AM  
Blogger Chewy Mom said...

Marcy, I was gonna say the same thing! LOL! To me the most effective way to mop your floor (you're gonna cringe) is on my hands and knees. And yep, it's been a while since my floor was mopped....

7:14 AM  
Blogger Darlene said...

Thou art hillarious, but which of us by taking thought can add one inch to his stature? :)

I hope the two of you work it out.

8:59 AM  
Blogger the SmockLady said...

Well, I don't have a love affair with Swiffer. Actually, I too, tried to have such an affair, but it just didn't work. I like my old fashioned mop and bucket and spatula. Yep, that's right. the best way to get the sticky off the floor is the spatula - a good strong chiselled edge spatula. I sweep real good. 'Spatulate' the sticky spots picking them up as I go. I sweep again, then I mop. I don't us the spone type because sponges harbor so much bacteria. I use a washable mop head that comes off and can go in the washing machine and get nice and clean and sterilized between each use. Love it, I say. Love it.

ChewyMom - I agree on the hands and knees thing too. Each time I mop I also wipe down my baseboards - I'm down there anyway. LOL.

7:49 AM  
Anonymous Emily said...

Can you please please sign my name to that letter? I'm 5'9 and after I'm done cleaning I have to slowly stand back up as I cry out in pain!

7:55 PM  
Blogger Jan said...

If you ask me, Jack-on-the-lake is getting off way too easy. By his own admission, this is his fault!!!

Oh, you now see the serious consequences of your job?

6:57 AM  
Blogger Eyes said...

If you hate the swiffer - check out the real deal -- what probably motivated the swiffer people:

The Eureka R300 Enviro Steamer

I couldn't live without this thing! I picked it up at Target for around $60.00 It doesn't require any detergents or anything. You get two pads and they'll last you 2 years or so!

In the end, it is MUCH, MUCH Cheaper and it has an adjustable telescopic handle.

Check it out. I LOVE IT.

9:30 AM  
Blogger MissKris said...

I'm 5'7" and shrinking daily but I hear you on this one. And another thing I hate about Swiffer is if you put the least bit of pressure down on the handle, it snaps off. At least it hasn't broken yet but I don't like products that aggravate me and Swiffer AGGRAVATES me!!!

1:04 PM  
Blogger Catharine said...

Another short country heard from -- five three here, and its too short for me -- especially when I'm cleaning cobwebs out of the ceiling corners.

So, you go, sister girl!!!


6:49 PM  
Blogger Jack-on-the-Lake said...

Yes, I now see the error of my ways. :)

9:40 AM  

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