Sunday, November 14, 2004

If I Had Time

If I had time, I would chart my moods. Every month, I seem to have a "floating anxiety day" in which I examine my mind for the source of my anxiety. I can almost always find a throbbing ache upon which to thwap my anxious feelings. I think they are hormonal. I have a day when I scream for no good reason. Last night, it was over chocolate milk and I made my littlest boy cry. I have a monthly day of incredible murky depression in which I feel hopeless under that little rain cloud that drizzles upon my naturally curly hair, rendering me not only despondent, but also ugly. I have a day when I am convinced I cannot go on under the load of responsibilities that I bear. I mentally pick up each duty, consider whether I can toss it through a window, decide it must stay and then replace it in the stack. Nothing can go. I must do it all. I have a lonely day when I wish someone would call me and invite me to coffee. I have a fat day when I am thankful no one calls me to invite me anywhere.

I just think maybe all these moods correspond to a particular hormonal pattern and if I had time, I would figure it out.

If I had time, I would paint the entryway.

If I had time, I would write up the Student Academic Plan required by the school district.

If I had time, I would clean out the storage room--again--and give away the gerbil cage which I hope to never need.

If I had time, I would join the YMCA and work out every day.

If I had time, I'd prepare the flowerbeds for winter and trim the ivy.

If I had time, I would scrub beneath the utility sink and clean out the freezer! Hello! Lentils, anyone?

If I had time, I'd find the post where I mention my lentils from Y2K and link it here.

If I had time, I would get a hair cut.

(Can we talk about hair for a second? I can't figure out what to do with my hair, the previously mentioned, naturally curly, unruly, hanging in my face, hair. I've had short hair, which was supposed to look like Lady Di. Uh, natural curls anyone? I looked like a 75 year old woman who got her hair set every Thursday. That didn't work out for me. I had a shoulder length cut, but oh, the constant straightening of that hair! I am lazy about my hair and so then, eventually, I look like I need an Oprah makeover with this long, crazy hair. But what to do with it? I have to have bangs. Really short hair doesn't work on me. I'd like to work with my curl, not against it. I can't find a hairdresser I love. And I don't want to stare at my face for an hour while I get a hair cut. I am paralyzed. I wonder if it's hormonal?)

[My husband just came downstairs and asked if I remembered to buy cucumber chip pickles. I did not. I said, "Hey, but write it on that list on the fridge. And he said, "No, I want you to write it on your heart." Maybe I would, if only I had time. He is home and when he asked what my plans were for tonight, I said, "Oh, I'm just going to spend the evening dreading tomorrow." He tried to help me figure out a way to cut down on my responsibilities, but all he came up with is not coordinating the nursery schedule at church, which takes about 40 minutes each year.]

Anyway. Where was I? Oh, I was busy making excuses.

If I had time, I would shampoo my family room carpet.

If I had time, I would put away my Halloween decorations.

If I had time, I would write my final report for Vacation Bible School from last JULY!

Well. I am clearly a loser, so I am going upstairs to read a book about a Cambodian refuge. That ought to make me feel like an ungrateful lout.


Blogger Judy said...

You are young. Still in your 30's. Take it from me, a woman in her FORTIES, the only difference for me would be 'if I had the energy'.

But, I don't have the energy.

My darling husband talked to a guy at church yesterday about coming over TONIGHT to see why our dishwasher is flooding the basement. That might seem like a nice thing for him to do, but then, you haven't seen my basement, and I haven't seen under my dishwasher since this same guy put it in two years ago. Oh, and did I mention that when I was 14 I briefly dated this guy???

If I had the energy, I would tell you about it. But, I don't.

Somedays I truly believe that PMS is a demon from the pit of hell.

5:21 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

What's the book about the Cambodian refugee? I think maybe I read it. If I had some extra time, I would glady give it to you. and, I wish I could invite you over for coffee, if you lived closer, I would! You should have come to MN with your hubby, than we could have gotten together!! Would chocolate help?

2:14 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

The book is called "First They Killed My Father." It was written in 2000, I think. Excellent reading.

10:16 PM  
Blogger WordsRock said...

Seems to me like you have time for the most important things, Mel. :)

If hubby really wants those cucumber pickle chips, he needs to write it on the list for you! Silly hubby. Doesn't he know all things you don't have time for?

6:06 AM  
Blogger QQ said...

Well I am glad to see that you have similar days (fat day, depressed day, ect) as I. I have tried to "chart" these days but there seems to be no rhyme or reason to it.

3:56 PM  

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