Tuesday, August 02, 2005

You Might Want to Skip This

I remembered tonight the time I tried to talk someone out of getting an abortion. She was twelve weeks pregnant, ready to vacuum her uterus clean, while I was trying desperately to get pregnant.

I wonder if she still hates me.

I thought of my dad today. He's been dead for almost sixteen years. Since he's been gone, computers have become mainstream. He once built one from a kit--and programmed it with cassette tapes. He died before everyone had cell phones in their pockets and video cameras in their closets. There are a few mysteries. For instance, what ever happened to his handgun? I found bullets, but no gun. Also, what was in the locked briefcase that I willingly handed over to a woman friend of his--she told me it contained letters and pictures from her children to my dad. (He'd been a mentor of sorts to her children.) I never quite believed her and I wish I had pried the lock open instead of giving the case to her.

When the phone rang at 10:00 p.m. and he'd leave the house, where was he going? Who left roses at his grave every week for the first year after he died?

These are things I wonder.

I remember tonight that winter day in college when I rode in van full of my friends. We were taking a fellow student, our friend, to the airport. He'd been kicked out of Bible college for drinking with my friend, a girl of seventeen, who was underage. The underage part wasn't why he was kicked out, though. Drinking alcohol was so against the rules at that midwestern college. I sobbed on the snowy days and for days after wept, wondering what just happened. He had been a potential boyfriend--we'd danced around the idea for almost the entire year before--and then he picked up my friend, the one who'd attended that college based on my recommendation--and they'd gone out, drinking.

Betrayal, loss, stupidity. That was a bad year for me and not such a good year for him, either. Our friendship flickered on and off for a few years after that and died a sudden death before my wedding. I wonder if he still hates me.

A local church just built a new building. The plan was to expand their existing food bank which served almost two thousand people a month, but not enough money came in for the project, so the food bank, which has existed for years, was shut down. I wonder what Jesus would think about that. I know people who've had to use food banks and sometimes, a food bank is what stands between you and your kids going to bed hungry.

What a cheery post! To bed I go, hopefully to dream happy dreams and not dreams filled with mysteries and faces of those who aren't fond of me.


Blogger mo said...

Oh! i know jsut how you feel. well, not just how you feel. but i could identify with your post. i feel kind of bleh as well, but for different reasons. but bleh is still bleh, for whatever reason.
i hope your tomorrow is a little better :D

3:48 AM  
Blogger Judy said...

I prefer honesty over perkiness any day.

My face isn't much to look at, but it does look fondly at you.

8:23 AM  
Blogger Julana said...

Aren't you the one who was, several days ago, bemoaning the lack of a narrative pattern in your life? Looks like you've had a lot of sub-plots at least. Subplots are better than no plot. And when you're in a plot, you don't know it until it's over, do you? The big one is arcing over your head.

5:03 PM  
Blogger Gina said...

Oh, I know there is at least one guy out there who totally hates my guts. Probably two, but one for sure!

11:24 PM  
Blogger Angi said...

THose people probably look back, and see how you really cared for them, and wish they had returned the emotion.

Good post.

5:53 AM  
Blogger Diddy-Win said...

Mel, sometimes I'm proud to have certain people hate me...

12:42 PM  

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