Monday, April 25, 2005

Open Letter to the Man at the Movies

Dear Man at the Movies,

I only moved my denim jacket off that seat next to me because I thought that curly-haired woman walking near you was with you. I thought she was your wife, actually. So, when you inched past all of those people who arrived early to the movies and sat next to me and looked me in the face and said so gratefully, "Thanks so much!" I only turned and said, "Hey, no problem!" because I thought that woman--who turned out to not be with you--was coming soon. With popcorn or something. She didn't, though.

You sat alone. And that seat on the other side of you was empty. So why didn't you use that armrest, intead of hogging my left armrest? Didn't you realize that you were crowding me? Yes, you smelled good. Why? Do you always scent yourself when you go to the movies alone? I couldn't identify your cologne, that's not because it wasn't strong enough. Believe me, it was.

Can we have a word about your habit of pouring a handful of M&Ms into your mouth and then crunching them loudly? You'd enjoy them more if you ate them one at a time. Trust me. That's what I did. Did you hear me? No, you did not. That's because I am considerate. And also because I want my candy to last through the movie.

My denim jacket made my lap so hot, but I hope you were comfortable.

Next time, sit next to someone else. I go to the movies alone because I like to be alone. And don't try to catch a glimpse of me or linger so you can say something to me on the way out. You cannot outsmart me. If you walk slow, I will walk slower. Every time.

Just so you know.

Signed,
Solitary Near Seattle

p.s. The movie was "The Interpreter." When I wake up, I'd like to be as tall and thin and blond as Nicole Kidman was in that movie.

7 Comments:

Blogger Judy said...

OOOooo...the strong smellin' gross M&M eater likes you!

And when I wake up, I want to feel rested. Just so you know.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Christi said...

He was totally trying to hook up!

Oh, and when I wake up, I'd rather look like Britney Spears than Nicole Kidman. Yuck!

9:02 PM  
Blogger Juliana said...

This was so funny! I really enjoy reading your blog and appreciate your honestly, vulnerability, and humor! Thanks!

--A Fellow Solo Movie-Goer

5:16 AM  
Blogger WordsRock said...

While you shouldn't have had to, could you have relocated?

I like one M&M and a few kernels of popcorn chewed up together. Good stuff.

5:38 AM  
Blogger Jan said...

I'm guessing the guy was headed for the other seat, but when you moved your coat he started thinking to himself, "Oooh. I am hot. She likes me. I bet I can get a date out of this. YES!" Then he thought, "I am manly. I can eat 35 m&m's all at once. I bet she will be impressed. I am hot." Then, after the movie, he lingered, waiting for you to make the next move. After all, you are clearly an easy woman...moving your jacket for him and all that. Plus, he is hot.

2:26 PM  
Blogger The Dung Beetle said...

I feel your pain...

I work with a guy who savors his corn chips with the subtlety of a wolverine dining on a chickenbone.

4:50 PM  
Blogger Ogre said...

I just want to point out, for the record, that was NOT me sitting next to you. :)

11:03 AM  

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